Yesterday it rained.  The desert breathed.  I breathed.

I like the metaphor of rain being able to wash away life’s troubles, maybe because it is less of a metaphor and more of a fact.
Down here in AZ it rarely rains.  Clouds build and float in, then the sun comes out and burns away any idea of moisture.
The Sun blazes day after day, and not only dries up the earth, but bodies, and hopes and ideas.

That sounds dramatic, but stifling hotness day after day really can take its toll.

For those who work outdoors this may make more sense. There is no relief from the sun when you have hiked three miles into a dry drainage
and only have more miles to go or the hike out to look forward to.  The sun is high and hot and even the wildlife has taken to shady places.
You are alone with the sun above and hot rocks below.  The brain begins to warp.

Last week was not one of my better weeks. I was drained, my body ached (it still does) and relationships at work were suffering.  I was feeling
inadequate and unemployable and also that I wasn’t doing my best, that I was suffering because of everyone’s combined laziness.
The heat, it does strange things.

I was at a point where I felt I couldn’t do it anymore.  There was no place left for me here.  I wanted out. Or more precise I wanted any excuse
to get out.  When I was expressing my exasperation to my blogging counterpart, she sent back a very straightforward response….you are burnt out.

This was hard to hear.  First of all, it made perfect sense, second of all it made me face something that I usually run from. In the past, when I got
irritated and whiny and restless at work, I always figured that it was time for me to move on and find other things to do–and I did.  After realizing and accepting that running isn’t always the best remedy  I knew
that I needed to get over my troubles and accept that I can’t change at this point the things that irritate me at work, I can’t change the weather, and I can’t change
the fact that I need this job and the experience.

But knowing that and actually feeling it and believing it are two separate things. Even on Wednesday night I was ready to throw in the towel-use up
my leave and hop a train to anywhere.  I even woke up Thursday dreading going to the office–but early on I had the opportunity to take a volunteer worker out,  the change instantly brightened my mood.

Halfway through the day, we were out driving in the middle of nowhere and the clouds that had been building all day actually burst open with a bang of thunder and rained.  The rain came down hard, and just as we were coming to a high point, lighting started to flash around us.  It was exhilarating and taxing and beautiful all at once.   The stress of everything small washed away and my focus was on watching the weather, driving safely and maneuvering out of some muddy and slick roads.  The absolute diversion away from my negative thoughts was just what I needed.

We all need to take a break and breathe sometimes; breaks from monotony, breaks from each other, breaks from thinking and wondering and worrying.  Just how those breaks happen is different for everyone, but usually come when needed.

Deep gulps that may start as panic, a sharp inhale if startled, a sigh…..

My breaths were shallow and barely there.

Most of my thoughts were about all the new things I have wanted to learn about and the time passing me by.  There have been so many times over this summer that I sit down and say to myself ” You are BORING!”.  I work, I sleep, I sometimes remember to eat, and do it all over again.  I sit in front of the computer and look and read about everything I want to do, but never act on it.

There seems to be a connection to this neglect of my creative side, and the stress that can lead to burn out.   I don’t know if I could have truly gotten so frustrated if I had an outlet.  Something to DO besides work!! Something to make me take big deep breaths of air as I focus my attention on something I truly find fascinating.

I want to find the excitement again of practicing something and learning all about something new, to share my excitement with others.  Being an outlet of creative energy and positive attitude. I think if I can do this my attitude can change as well,  giving me the power to stick it out during tough times.

So here it goes, one more reason to get out there and create!